Stupid frigging camera!!!

I hate Fisher-Price right now. Since my husband's not going to be home at Christmas (he's a truck driver) we decided to have a mini-Christmas yesterday. My daughter got to open her present from her "uncle" (one of hubby's best truck-driving friends). It turned out to be one of those new Fisher Price Kid Tough cameras. She loved it, took pictures all day until it got filled up. So I decided to use the so-called super easy upload feature and get the pictures on my computer. Ha! No driver, software can't tell the camera's there, different size cable from my wonderful Kodak so I can't even try to sneak it on the one that's already installed (probably wouldn't work that way anyway, but a girl's gotta try). Did a search online and couldn't find a driver- just found a bunch of people in the same boat, all of whom seem to have contacted Fisher Price only to be told "the driver's on the disk". Uh... no it's not, I looked. There's no way to email them and their phone service hours are limited and obviously not during the time I needed them to be there.
Now we're going to the zoo and instead of being able to take pictures I have the choice of either deleting all the pictures she's taken or spend another 20+ bucks to buy a memory card. AARRGGHH!!!

Why my Christmas is going to be relatively stress-free

Because compared to getting ready for Walk To Bethlehem this will be a piece of cake- even upside down and step by step (post a comment if you know what movie that comes from). I'm just happy the whole thing's over. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, it was worthwhile, I'm glad we did it. But boy oh boy was it stressful. I think the biggest thing was the fact that it was brand new. That combined with the fact that I'd never been in charge of any volunteer thing before and now it was plopped in my lap and I felt totally unprepared for the challenge made for a total stress fest. And now I can relax, buy the ten or so presents I still need to get, attend all of the other functions I need to attend (none of which I am organizing- yeah!), and keep my kids from ODing on candy canes. Easy peasy could do it in my sleep.
And heck, I've got until February to get ready for the Mardi Gras Ball! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Cliques and money

Remember high school? Remember the cliques in high school? They may have been different from mine, but the still boiled down to two categories- have, and have-not. If you were a have then you got it all. If you were a have-not then it meant things like not getting a limo for prom, not getting to go to all the cool concerts, not getting a car for your 16th birthday, and all kinds of things like that. Lately that whole high school mess has come back at me almost 20 years later.
For one thing, I have a great group of women at my church that I could be real friends with, but I made the mistake of going to some of their houses- haves! There's no way I'm going to reciprocate and invite them to my house. Even leaving aside what a mess it's been since my son's been born, it's a cruddy townhouse in a cruddy neighborhood and I'm just too damn embarrased to have anyone over. Call it a pride issue if you want, tell me to get over it if you want, it's still not going to change anything. I could be part of their clique, but because I'm not a have I can't let myself fit into their group.
And then there's my online friends. Great group in a forum- yeah, the occasional butthead, but they just add spice to the mix. But then one gets upset and decides to make his own forum. Great. And his website is based on a level of Flash that my computer can't handle, so I'm excluded- and I don't have the money to buy another computer. Even if I could, I'm not sure I would. It ticks me off that he's created this 'members only' forum that sounds like another high school clique. And our usually lively forum is now dead. I don't know if they're posting on his forum (since I can't get there I can't tell), but the timing is suspicious.
I'm depressed. And of course since I'm depressed everything is going badly. Don't know how I'm going to get myself out of this funk, but I better do it soon and it better not cost me any money.

Ups and downs

Ups- husband's been home a couple of times
Downs- he's only home for a couple of days (which could also be seen as an up, since both times were good and happy times, not even a disagreement to mar it)

Ups- pastor loves the idea of a Walk Through Bethlehem
Downs- it's morphed into something completely different from the original vision and I'm not sure we'll be able to pull it off

Ups- finally got some publicity material together for MOPS- and got the newsletter in on time
Downs- now I have to distribute it- and start on December's newsletter so I don't end up leaving it for the last minute

Ups- figured out that if I designate M, W, F for school board and T, Th, S for MOPS then I can prioritize and get things done
Downs- couldn't figure out a way to include a set day for housework unless I want to give up my day of rest (not!) so I'll have to keep working on it

Overall the Ups are winning, although it may not look like it from this. The irony of all of this is that if I didn't have kids I'd have so much more time for all of my commitments, but if I didn't have kids I wouldn't have these commitments!

I did it

I did it. I put myself out there. I sent in four ideas, now I have to wait and see if they're good enough to be pitched. Haven't sent my baby in yet, I want to get the treatment done first. If nothing comes of this I don't know what I'll do- this is a real good way to destroy my creative self-esteem. At least someone thinks my writing is okay- thanks German! I know it's not much but heck, better that then nothing. I haven't really written anything but school papers since my early 20s. I guess being a mechanic and getting stuck in a bad marriage did more to me then I thought. Then when I went back to school I spent my time perfecting my nonfiction writing skills. But something happened, I'm not sure what- I think it may actually have been committing myself to sending these ideas in- but the proverbial dam broke and now I want to write creatively. Heck, if I don't hear back on one of the ideas I may just turn it into a book after all! Who knows? And yes, I am feeling very optimistic today.

When it rains it pours

I didn't realize until I came on today how long it's been since I've posted. So overloaded that I can't even stop to reflect and blog. So now I have a bunch of verbal vomit to unload, so if anyone's actually reading this you might want to take an asprin beforehand- swimming in my stream of conciousness might give you a headache.
First, my kids are sick. My daughter's on medication that makes her think she's not sick anymore (3 year old denial doesn't help!) so I'm having a tough time getting her to rest and take it easy- she's just as hyper as ever. My son's cranky and grumpy. Yesterday he slept most of the day, but today he just wants to cry. And he doesn't want to eat his baby food, just nurse, so I'm in pain.
Second is my husband- he didn't get paid because the holiday (Columbus Day!!!) messed up the mail and his paperwork didn't get in on time. But that was a fixable problem and nothing to get hugely stressed about. Ha! Super depression time again, the same old "God hates me, He doesn't do anything for me, you have to go back to work" bs he usually throws at me. Never mind that God doesn't hate him, that He does take care of us- if He didn't we would be homeless by now! And nevermind that I can't make enough to cover the cost of daycare for our kids. Yeah, money's tight, he's not making as much as he thought he would, and he's missing being home with me and the kids. But there's really nothing either of us can do about it at the moment, so having a huge shitfit about it doesn't really help. All it does is send him down a spiral and tick me off. So I've done the only thing I can do- stay off the phone with him until he calms down. If I could think of anything I could do to help out financially then I would. All I can really do is what I'm already doing, so that's what I'm going to keep doing, and pray that if an opportunity comes along I'll be alert and take it.
I'm scared of rejection. I'm afraid to put myself out there. I think I have good ideas and I want to see them made into movies or TV shows, but I just can't seem to get it together to send anything out. This is so hard. I know the rewards could be great, but the emotional cost is so high!
Then there's my overloaded status. It doesn't feel too bad now, but I think that's because I've reached the max point and just shut that part of my life off right now, which isn't a good thing because I promised to do certain things and I haven't done all of them yet. But the last two weeks have been difficult and frustrating. I worked so hard on that newsletter and then got verbally smacked down over it because it wasn't formatted right and didn't have the mailing cover. Like I knew any of that! And to find this out with only an hour and a half to deadline and no practical way to fix the issues. Thank God for Sharon who fixed everything and made sure the fershlinger thing went out. Now I need to start on next month's issue, but I can't even bring myself to even open the file. Add to that the school board meeting a couple of weeks ago. I'm the only one with small kids and I usually end up having to leave before the meeting ends because of them, but my report was stuck dead last. By the time I got to it my son was cranky, my daughter was bored, and everyone else was ready to leave. So I rushed it. All the work I put into the Walk Thru Bethlehem program and I ran through it doubletime while several people were busy doing other things or doodling. And the idea I thought was fantastic and would be really fun got shut down by people who figured that regular golf would be better than a silly golf tournament. Never mind that less than a quarter of the congregation say that they golf, never mind that this was supposed to be a fun thing to involve the whole family, a regular golf tournament is what they want. Now I'm forced to try to find people to do it. I hate golf. So I was supposed to contact some guy about running it and due to everything else I forgot to call him. And now I can't find his number so I'm going to end this bitchfest earlier than planned so I can go out to my car and try to find his number.

Serenity

I was downloading pictures from my digital camera a couple of days ago and this was one of the pictures. I took it at The Florida Aquarium last month. The room it was taken in is a small auditorium with a huge window wall with a giant coral reef fish tank on the other side. They do diving demonstrations and other shows in there. But the room itself is relatively dark, it's cool, and when I went in there I just felt so calm. I can understand why people like those fish tank screensavers- or even real fish tanks. I just wanted to sit down and watch the fish for a couple of days or so- not thinking, not planning, not stressing. Just sitting and watching the fish.
Plus the picture came out so well. I want to be a great photographer, now that I've switched to digital I'm learning to be a good photographer. And every once in awhile I take a photo that just leaves me saying, "wow! I can't believe I took that!" This was one of those photos. The only thing I don't like is the white spots in the photo, which I think were from other people taking pictures at the same time. If I get the chance I'm going to have to try to fix that. But it's not distracting enough for me to dislike the photo- still makes me go "wow", spots and all!

Meltdown

Had a bit of an anxiety attack yesterday before church. I thought about everything I had to do and it just seemed so daunting. I ended up calling the folks, and of course my mom wasn't home, but my dad was very calming. I told him how I felt- like I had learned to walk a tightrope by walking on a crack in the sidewalk and now all of a sudden I'm on the rope with no harness, balancing stacks of plates and cups on my hands while balancing on a chair on top of a unicycle. But I have my family and that's a good safety net.
Now I have to try to figure out how to set up a blog for my MOPS group (since I've added publicity coordinator to my balancing act) and see if and how I can put photos on- and see if I'm going to have to reload the everloving Kodak software so it will recognize my camera. I want a new computer!!!

Random thoughts

Does suburbia kill the soul? I'm watching a documentary called "Revolution" about the hippies. One of the guys said that the reason why so many kids went to the Haight was because suburbia was killing their souls. I guess since I'm a product of suburbia and my soul isn't dead I questioned that. I can see that it makes it harder to break out of the mold because of all the conformity built into suburban life, but in a way I think it's a good thing. Only those who are truly passionate will break the mold and offer up their creations to the world. I am truly pissed aobut the whole hippie thing, though. When I was younger I thought they were so cool standing up for their beliefs and trying to change the world. But my older more cynical self sees a bunch of indulged self-indulgent selfish brats who were totally irresponsible. And now my generation has to live with the fallout, and I think a nuclear bomb would have left less of a fallout than the hippies. I hope my kids never idolize that group because I'd really hate to make my kids cynics when they're young.
My daughter is 3 and she already knows that Santa is just pretend. I don't see the point in encouraging belief in a made-up character only to pull the rug out from under her in a few years. People think it's cute, I think it's cruel. So she looses a little "magic", I think it's worth it.
If I had a time machine I'd never be home. History just interests me so much more than the present (especially our present). I'd rather see the stuff that already happened.

Past present and future

I was going to get all ambitious and do some kind of mall rating blog, since the one near my house sucks so bad you can almost hear it, but that was just too much work and I don't have that kind of time anymore. Now it's just going to be a boring old personal blog about all my trials & tribulations now that I have way too much going on and don't want to stop. It all started out innocently enough- I joined the school board for the school my church was starting up. From there it was all downhill- committees, events, further involvement, my husband taking a job where he travels 95% of the time, etc. etc. Now I have to plan and present a Walk Through Bethlehem event in December, a Mardi Gras Ball in February, and now a goofy golf tournament in May. I love it I hate it I love it I hate it- I'm on the commitment carousel, except it feels more like a big roller coaster!

I want a blog

I'm not generally one to follow a trend for no reason, but darn it- I want a blog. Everyone else has a blog and I'm tired of feeling left out.